I spy with my little eye... or Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I am going to be 50 this year. 50. And I think that I have struggled with weight/body issues since the moment I realized I was separate from my mother..

I thought she was gloriously beautiful and perfect...until I heard her sobbing about her own 'imperfections' while looking in the mirror. And since little girls learn who they are by what they see in their mother's eyes, all I saw, all I learned, was that I was somehow 'imperfect' too. Flawed. Ugly. Not right. Because if she wasn't okay, that had to mean neither was I.

When I hit puberty, it was even worse; instead of just 'feeling' fat, I put on weight. Oh, I know all girls do just before they begin menstruating, but to me, it made me not just ugly, flawed, and not right, but fat and ungainly, too. That's when my eating disorder started. When my mother told me "You have such a pretty face. You need to do something about the rest of your body. Why can't you look more like your sister?" I stopped eating anything but apples and popcorn for the next couple of years...until I learned that I could eat eat eat! And then puke it up!

I spent the next 10 years bulimic. There I was, 5' 9" weighing 115 pounds, and finally Finally being told that I looked 'cute'. It took a toll on my body that I am paying for now. Chronic conditions that will never go away because I thought I had to be skinny to be loveable. To be worthwhile. To be wanted and liked.

I am finally at a place in my life where I am not 'waiting' to be thin or *pretty* for my life to be good and to have value.. Where I am learning to be confident in who I am as the woman who lives in this body. To be grateful and thankful even that I am strong enough to walk and swim and laugh and love without being embarrassed by my belly and my breasts. I don't automatically say "Oh my flippin' god! I look like Omar the tent-makers model!" or " Don't look at my ID- I look like an adult male orangutan on it." anymore.

I had a real 'ah-ha' moment a few month ago. I realized that when the people I love see me in pictures they aren't saying "Oh My God! Look at how fat Gina is!!" Nope. They are saying "Look at how much love is there in her eyes and on the baby's face." "I love her smile. I love her!" See, they don't 'see' the fat, ugly, unworthy-of-love me that I do. They see the Mother, Sister, Auntie, Nana that I am, and they love me just because. Not because of my weight, my educational status, or even my hair cut.. *smiling*

If they can do it, then so can I. Maybe, if I say it often enough, I will erase those old tapes in my head with new, improved versions. Maybe. Given enough time.

Thought follows action follows thought. So, we will see. I am on a journey of self-acceptance and body-image love. *fingers crossed* I hope I can find them. I really really do. I hope you do, too.